What DIDN’T Work + How I ALMOST Killed Chapter One *Feat. Facepalms*

killing-my-chapter

writing... and ruining.pngThat’s been the process for me today, while TRYING to progress in my Facility 52 Introduction. Well, here’s what I got between Lauren Diagle’s I Will Trust In You, a movie in the background, eating an apple, answering comments on my blog, and pretty much dying of this problem I have with moving forward in my story vs. making the characters get majorly emotional within the first few paragraphs;

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 Lily waited, sitting in the window seat. She waited anxiously. Just like she always did. Her heart rate would begin to rise if her dad came home late. You’d have no way of knowing if your father or mother had been Taken if they were. She had dreams about it all the time; She’d be sitting where she always did, right in that windowseat, reading or thinking. When the clock rang seven times and dad wasn’t home. She’s keep waiting. And waiting. But he never came back.

 

 But those were only dreams.

 

 An old, faded-blue pickup truck pulled into the driveway. Dust hung near the exhaust pipe. Rocks flung behind the car. That same, joyful noise of her dad’s car pulling into the driveway. That sound of tires grinding against the gravel.

 

 “He’s home.” Lily said to herself, relieved. She stood up from her seat, with a grin on her face. He slammed the door of the truck. The echo rung through the valley. She heard her mother’s footsteps ringing closer. She came over the window, lifting the curtain to look outside. With a smile and a happy sigh, the woman hurried over to the door. She shut it carefully behind her, and took off toward him. Lily watched through the window as her mother embraced her dad. She watched him kiss her cheek, then her mom’s bright smile as she put her hands on his shoulders to hold him closer. As Lily continued watching, she noticed her father’s smile fading. He leaned to whisper into her ear. Her smile faded as quick as his did.

 

 Lily’s face changed rapidly, as she bit down on her lip. She stepped away from the window, breathing in, then breathing out. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. She swept her caramel hair over her shoulder, and looked down in a disgusted tone. They weren’t coming in for awhile. Because it was bad. Whatever it was. Bad was all Lily knew anymore. Sick of the dead silence, she crept down the cold hall. She poked into the rooms, looking for her. Each room was dead. Her mother’s room was perfect. The floor was perfectly swept and polished, the bed was perfectly made. There was no dust, no stench, no nothing. Just too perfect. Inhuman. There was only room that had a sense of real life. The attic. Where it was never the right temperature, furniture was dusty, there was a bit of a smell, walls rotted, childhood memories were born. But those things never live long. Things change. The attic was where the memories of yesterday died. The attic was where Lily and the other one would go to escape the tyranny of truth and real life.

 

 She climbed up the ladder into the attic, standing under the skylight looking up. “Seriously?” a course, familiar voice said from the middle of the room. “I like it up here.” Lily replied. She walked over to the sofa which was oddly settled in the middle of the space. She sat down on her knees on the wood floor, leaning her head on Jave’s lap. “Me too.” Lily stayed silent, but Jave could feel her holding back tears. “There’s so much up here.”

“This was our childhood, Lil. We’d come up here during the fall.”

“It’s like the rain was tap dancing above us.” Lily smiled, looking up at Jave.

“Yeah…” “When the grass was long outside, and we’d go pretending. Playing games.”

 Jave felt Lily’s tears in her lap. “But we slowly faded from a dream. And this is the last of it; this dusty old attic.” Lily’s eyes filled with tears as she stood up quickly from Jave’s lap and climbed down the ladder. Jave sat there, looking out the window over the fields.

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Goodness, I mess up so many times during this writing day. O_o

I’m getting rid of that. I’ll just save it in the “Leftovers” file. I know what I’m going to do to get Jave out of the house and get her [SPOILERS]. But, I’m not out of the woods yet. So, I better finish up with that. 😉

Anyway, just thought I’d say how bad I am at moving without emotions in my characters. Seriously. I’m REALLY bad.

1lets-chat

How bad was my snippet? Seriously. GIVE ME THE TRUTH! What did you think of Lily? Should I kill her off? I don’t really like her. Did my writing just confuse you? Probably. Should I keep it in the outline? Probably not. But hey, what do YOU think? Tell me in the comments! I NEED HELP! Actually that’s not completely true. I can sustain myself with or without you. Ignore arrogant me. Listen to the watered-down internet-version of me. 😉

allie-taylor

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21 thoughts on “What DIDN’T Work + How I ALMOST Killed Chapter One *Feat. Facepalms*

  1. Awesome post, Allie! Your snippet was great, though I don’t really know the characters well enough to say whether I like them or not. 😛 I’m intrigued to find out the background of your story, and want to read more, even this will be deleted. 😛

    Like

    1. Thanks, May! Thank you, again, and I can see what you mean. But based on the feeling Lily sets off, what do you think? Does she annoy you or does she give you a sweet sense? Thanks, again, May! I will keep this, it just most likely won’t end up in the final draft.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Not a problem! Mmm, my first impression of her is that she seems to be a sweet girl who worries a lot. I feel like she COULD be annoying, but she isn’t. Do you know what I mean?
        (So sorry if this sounds mean!!!)

        Like

      2. ❤ No I know exactly what you mean! She seems just so loyal, but is easily felt like she's alone and betrayed. She has a potential of being annoying. So I can see what you mean. And NO! This did NOT sound mean AT ALL!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. ❤ Yes, that it is exactly how I think about it. And yay! 😛 So many times we write things that we think sound mean but actually isn't… 😄
        Also, this is a very stupid question to ask… but is this snippet from Facility 52? *hides*

        Like

      4. Yeah, haha!

        Oh my goodness, did I not mention that in the post?! *runs away to edit the post* OH MY GOODNESS THAT IS SO MY FAULT!!! Yes, it is! It’s supposed to be the next section of the introduction. LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In answer to your question from earlier:

    If it’s really short (1-5 paragraphs), yes, but if it’s longer, I’d recommend setting it apart and somehow making it clear it’s a flashback. Maybe doing something like this.
    “If only he had made a difference decision that fateful day …”
    ***
    [flashback]

    That’s what I’d do, anyway. 🙂

    I’ll try to read this post later, but I have a friend over so I’m not doing it now. 🙂

    Like

    1. So, in the introduction, it shows the sisters on the day of ____ (spoilers). Then in Chapter one, we flashback. And continue that for… like, 5 chapters. I’m concerned because it seems like it’s falling apart a bit. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, that isn’t so much a flashback at that point (5 chapters). It’s more like you started after the fact (which is a fun plot device for building tension and all that) and then went back to tell what led up to that sequence of events. It can totally be done if you just make it clear that it was ‘so many weeks later’ or whatever. 🙂

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  3. DUDE. That was good! I’m not even kidding my eyes started watering at the end of the snippet… Well, my eyes were really dry BUT STILL. I like this story better than the one I was a beta reader for. Very interesting. I can’t wait to see the finished project!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, Tyla! hahaha, I told you, emotion on ch 1. Haha! OHMYGOODNESS that one you beta read for was like the most… errggg! Yes, that story is gone and dead lol! I look back with shame. 😉

      Like

  4. I thought your snippet was great, Allie! Sure, it needed some grammar editing and stuff ( but obviously that will come later), but other than that I liked it! I think it’s too early in the story for me to deiced about whether or not I like Lily. I mean, right now I kinda like her! But it’s not my story so whatever you decide to do with her is totally up to you! I am very intrigued and would love to read more! 😀

    Like

    1. Thanks, Jade! Yes, it’s definatly needing A LOT of editing, but I put it in the post straight from the document. 😉 I like her, and that she’s sweet. But she’s getting on my nerves a bit. I mean, in a few paragraphs, I could have developed her character quite a bit more. But it was garbage, so I didn’t bother. I think I’ll just save this section for later in the story lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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